KimChi Sonata

去英国想实现的事项

• 和哥哥打球
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• 每天陪妈妈走路/散步/上班
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• 探望在Reading 大学 读律法的好朋友，一粒--蛋！
• 千万不可以错过的--发国火车旅行！
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侮辱

Is funny how most of my relatives are relatively rich and mine is not. 

I am not complaining why im poor is just that for once i thought i have nuclear family only to slowly realize i dont. My best friends is more like a family to me than my actualy blood-related family line. I am not ashamed that i am not rich but i am ashamed that i couldnt protect my family from their insults. It hurts as if a knife cut my heart into halves. This is worst that breaking up with your boyfriend. At that moment, i felt helpless. I really want to give the best and all the comfort in the world to my family. And yet here i am stuck struggling with uncertain future. Who am i to complain when others have such flair. 

I used to envy my friends who have close relation with their aunts uncles cousins.. attend weddings. place to visit during Raya. Visit each others home. Buy each other gifts. Birthday celebrations. Kenduri. Graduation. Family Gatherings. Things i hardly experience my whole life. 

Strange isnt it?

Sometimes i feel life is really unfair. The rich wins everything. Is like America monopolizing someone's else economy but no one dares to voice out because America is rich and powerful. America on the other hand thinks that they have done a good job in contributing to improvise others people life not knowing that the people are suffering.  

I especially hate that "we are one" policy because that only applies to the rich. You'll see the difference in the society. People are treated differently. According to class. 

People who never even care to know a little bit about your life will suddenly appear and offer you condition instead of a helping hand? (not that i needed). Thats why people needs to know. Why i run to a friend instead of other family member when i needed help most? Because my best friends offers me help unconditionally even they are not rich. 

I am not upset. Rich people will always have business man mind. Doing business is all about fulfilling each others condition. Thats why they sign agreement. My bloodline relation is actually an agreement which i am not willing to sign.

Im writing this not to upset anyone. Just expressing my thoughts and how i feel.  And i have been living my life just the way i had with or without help. And i am proud to say we had a happy life even without big family attention. A life of our own. I have the bestest friends in the world and all of them are brothers and sisters to me.

Money cant buy friendship what more a family. I just want to state clear that i dont yearn for sympathy.

God, with your mercy i will continue this journey to change my family life. NEVER will i let OTHERS hurt my family. Verbally or physically. No one should talk about my family like that again. I will give my very best to protect this family and provide them with a better life than before. 

I will work this out.

God, i promise you.

Mum, i promise you.

I love you.

My all time favorites movies, Lilo and stitch.

It quote : " Ohano means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." I always love that part of the movie. Reminds me of my childhood. If you are free please watch the whole movie. Is truly meaningful

M

Plastic Surgery

Plastic surgery; what do you think about it?

The question is "So what they have undergone surgeries to make themselves look good. When you look good you feel good. What more can you ask if you are a celebrity and is much loved by your fans." 

I am not against anyone who support plastic surgery this is just my own opinion.

A recent photo of an new girl group,Secret has triggered me to write about this article. I was completely shocked about how much she changed after the surgery. Actually she look aint that bad before surgery. She looks innocent cute sweet young girl before the surgery. After the surgery no doubt she appears extremely beautiful but i dont see any difference from her to any other pop girls groups members. What i meant is : No variation.

Why God created each human beings with a little bit of similarities due to gene passed down by our grandfathers. However, the Great and Mighty still managed to create each of us with our very own unique features and personality. What i dont understand is why would want to undergo surgery just only to be beautiful? or to pursue fame? or to pursue love? 

To me it seems like if you are ugly you dont have a place in Korea. What is korean society trying to portray themselves as the beauty society to the world. Whats the point? So ugly ones are not love? not famous? disgusting? 

Living in korea is like you have to wear mask everyday to face the city. Everyday everyone prepares themselves putting on a mask being extravagantly elegant and where have their personality gone? Is a cruel society. Everyone is so not real.

What disguised me more is that they are trying to play God.

"Unhappy with your looks? Want to be famous? Want to be like celebrity? You can have it all through #**##@$#%!@#$%#$# Cosmetic Clinical Surgery! Visit us for free consultation TODAY"  This are the normal advertisement you can find almost everywhere in Korea. In the bus, subway station, subway wherever whatever you name it they have it there.  

By "playing God" they grant under privilege young innocent girls wishes thinking they have contribute happiness to ones life with the motto "everyone has the right to be beautiful". Worst being 60% of the population of Christians actually doubted God's ability to beautify His creation? 

What i notice is, everyone is getting more and more alike that couldnt tell who is who after surgery. Is like im living in a cloned country. And then people start comparing who and who and then the slightly "famous" established a name. And so the whom looks like who. Wow. So darn confusing. So you are beautiful but your beauty is similar to that someone's? Back to square one. No variation. And then the circle will repeat itself. You gift birth your child look like your ugly self when you were young so you supported him/her for surgery and then he/she takes after some famous person of your time and then booom. the who look like who comparative sessions begin again. I doubt these people are happy. Is like they lost their identity. The dont look like their parents. They inherited nothing. They are not unique because they look like someone else not from their family.  

There's this one time i heard from the television-- "My boyfriend sponsored me to get plastic surgery done for our anniversary". Once i heard that i was like :"wtf? for anniversary he is asking me to go for plastic surgery? If i were her, i will ask the loser to go to hell and break up with him and get the sponsorship money as compensation for insulting my looks". Really, why the surgery when you can make yourself beautiful the way you are with a little bit of touch up? 

Minor surgeries is fine but the WHOLE FACE?   

See this:

한순화, Secret 의 막내

 

Before 

 

 

 

After Surgery,

 

 

Gorgeous indeed. But didnt you see her somewhere from another girl group? 

If you are famous,Would you rather have a name for yourself or have a name after someone else's?

Someone who works their way out to beauty is beautiful. One who works hard change their lifestyle, take care of their diet, skin, exercise...etc.

Sad enough, in reality the beauties is always being prioritize even in the work force. So how could you not do surgery to fight other beauties?

Answer : Ability and brains. 

Please embrace yourself because that is beauty.

Beauty is only temperamental,

while your ability and brains last a lifetime.

Talking about a lifetime investment.

p/s: this is just my personal view. Im not against anyone going for surgery. Just that before surgery think twice about your purpose of surgery. Is that what you really want? Beauty is not everything. Im not in the entertainment industry so i dont know how much changes she needed to change to be a celebrity. But what she did is not her own choice, her choice is being invaded by her company. But you beauties out there have your own choice. You could use the money to find your happiness like travel around the world or even make your love ones happy or you could just throw into the bin for surgery. Is your choice. Simple happiness aint easy to find. Please please love yourself. Your uniqueness not just represent yourself, it represents your family, your nation. 

Source : OMGKPOP

Big Bang Theory

Big Bang Theory.

Big Bang Theory --I am too lazy to blog but i need the world to know that big bang is on TIME magazine. Go go grab a copy now! I am so proud of them to have their spotlight spread up to the US media.

Click the link above for more info.

Thats all from me now.

I a little emotional these days.

Still confusing whether to continue with my studies or not.

I never allow myself for any circumstances for any excuses. But i cant help it anymore. I am too tired.

"Is not that i strive for perfection, my department needs me to"

I felt sorry for myself.

That im alone.

That im useless.

Thats all.

Taa

Credits : time.com

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
 
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

By Robert Frost

Sounds familiar?

I am pretty sure most malaysians students are familiar with this poem because it was included in our syllabus of early stage of high school. Back then all of us are required to memorize the poem for english eloquence exam. I remember this poem was quite difficult for me to understand at first; but my english teacher, mr Jacob has done really good job in making us understand the poem. I thank him, for making us memorize it and always talks about it even until the day we had our spm; he gave a sticker of encouragement with the message "the road not taken" in it of which i still have it in my wallet until today. His little gift note however small, has become somewhat more precious than any other things i ever received before.

Here is a little analysis of the Road not taken. I hope it does play a role in reminisce the past. Is a little bit statistical though. What to do, im attracted to probability since is my major.Hope you enjoy (:

*felt the Gamma Wave, 5Gamma SMKSU*

This my Me <3

Evening of the paddy field. Titi Serong3,Kangar,Perlis.

 

Morning View of the Paddy Field. Taken 840am.

 

Coconut tree that grown in the garden of the house.

the river where bro and i used to fish and play everything here.pluck flowers (there is this type of flower where it burst when it touches water;i dont know its name but we used to wake up early in the morning, pluck the flower and throw a bunch of it to the river and observed it till it burst one by one);and we get so excited.wtf.so noob. i love this river because though much changes has been introduced from the wood bridge to concrete bridge the view of the river remains the same. At certain percentages,(definitely) is polluted but it still remain beautiful in my heart as i still have the image of it since young.Fishing is what we does back home. Cos im a better fisher than bro (: WE used to catch toads too. How days..

What motivates me to post about my hometown was a messages i received from Cath weeks back when i complained about difficulties im facing here.She too, back then was contemplating with her own personal issues back then. The message goes like this:

"do what you love first, money follow. 我以前很怕自己会后悔，可是现在, 我已经不怕后悔。 因为，我最怕的是。。后悔得太迟！可以后悔， 是因为你有机会去尝试也有机会去重来。觉得不适合自己，真的没有必要勉强。 因为，你的人生是你一个人的。快乐是你的， 悲伤也是你一个人的。 如果你没有办法向自己交待，你也不可能可以向爱你的人交代的。 在你学会爱别人之前，你要用心学会爱你自己，一定一定要学会尊重自己。 ：）"

From her message although she mention " 快乐是你的,悲伤也是你一个人的", meaning that happiness and sorrow solely belong to yourself. But the message i got is "快乐和悲伤并不是属于你一个人的" meaning happiness and sorrow dont just belong to me,alone. Because i realized when im upset or unhappy or depressed it affects people who loves me as well. 最伤心的就一定是我母亲接下来就是我哥。The ones that will be most affected will definitely be my mum and then my brother.

“觉得不适合自己的，真的没有必要勉强”meaning if you dont feel it doesnt suit you,you dont have to force yourself. Which brings me to my first thought about coming to Korea. I was sitting aimlessly staring at the wire which divides the area between the paddy field and tok's house and was thinking : I always wanted to run across the restricted line and to see whats out there and imaging myself experience stuff i never thought i will. And then when i crossed the line, i laments about my discontentment. I felt ashamed.

And then came her abrupt decision to leave US and pursue her dream in the medical field as well as to reunite with her loves ones. What impressed me was that she rather enslave herself,ready to struggle and battle the worst to be with her love ones and be at her best priority. It must have been really difficult for her. LOADS of courage needed to make such important decision. 一转生就是一辈子。Though i was quite disappointed with her decision i gave her my 100% support to her decision. Because she was really brave with her decision to give up wasted years studying diploma in nursing and pharmacy and then to restart from A-level again to pursue medical? For me i definitely wouldnt want to start my life again with STPM. It was hell to going through it. And that most people who left Malaysia wouldnt want to go home again or will rather pursue their career somewhere else.

That questions my priority and i was having second thought about giving up everything here and be with my family again. I was ashamed because back then my priority was a chance to leave home. I was given 2 path to Sabah or Korea. I thought the further the better plus i have had much interest in Korean language back then (still am).

Dont get me wrong. I dont doubt that coming to Korea was a wrong decision. And no im not giving up my study here and go back home.I just felt the need to reconstruct my priority. To pursue my dream means to live something behind. My question is, is living dream more important than family? I dont have big happy family like most of my friends does; which was what i thirst most;which i knew was beyond reach. Sometimes i hated being multiracial because it felt like i have no identity. (The chinese says im malay ; the malay says im chinese; the indians says im chindian) I hated attending events involves big crowd because i dont belong anywhere. And then came along 我行我素syndrome. I admit i have TOO many circles of friends BUT again i dont belong to any of the circle. Thats why i always like to handle stuff on my own. Walk alone. Eat alone. Go to library alone. Run alone. Travel alone. Driving alone. Cry alone. Write alone. Sing alone.Read alone.... I hate being followed nor following. *that also claims why i always walk so fast*

After awhile doing that, i realized that although God is always with me but i think i got the message from the Mighty that He created this world so that everyone wont be alone. I cried alot writing this post. I never realized i was too weak to accept other ppl's friendship. I hated myself. Never did i thought that hating myself also means hating the Merciful creator and the hands that brought me up. Not realizing being multiracial is being multilingual and multicultural which also means being ME,my identity. Nobody get the chance to experience so much in life yet being remorseful about it.

So answer to my own question. Back to square 1. Living dream. To live a dream means to color your own life and others with the wonderful story of your family. To shower yourself with familial loves means to embrace yourself. Living this dream, i achieved that much. Once i lose it but i regained my consciousness. Who cares if cant speak BM or English or Mandarin appropriately? Because is what i am. Accepting my weakness will be my motivation to be better rather than wallowing in self pity over unfairness in life.

And no, living this dream doesnt mean leaving my family behind. Living this dream means having them in the TOP priority list. Ask me again today what is my dream? Is to reunite with my family.

All of us have different motive and path in life. Like Cath, she realized she couldnt achieve so much without her love ones. We are all the same; the path chosen ahead us defines our motivation. To realize our dream to betterment in our family's life. We do it differently. That what makes world colorful.

不适合自己的，我并不会勉强。我只要配合我的不勉强，给自己正当的选择。Crossing the  restricted line doest mean im outside the comfort zone; is  to building a wider comfort zone so your love ones could feel the comfort WITH you.

Amen.

Chili

 

source : Greenopia.com

There's a malay proverb saying "siapa makan cili, dia yang akan rasa pedas";which means whoever tasted the chili he will know how hot the chili is. But to me, :saya makan cili, perut saya rasa pedas. And not my tongue. Chili has been part of my life ever since i was introduced to it. Ask my family and friends, all my cooking revolves around chili==pedas.

Doctor says im fine and that a meal with chili will cause my bowel to contract or something like that and ㅂㄷ재랒ㄹ자납ㅇ나ㅜ안라마얌ㄷ버나밍ㅗ야주챠ㅑㅈㅇ츶ㅎ쟟별일아니예요. 물 잘 드시고 쉬세요. 이제 가셔도 돼요. (i never studied BIO so i know nothing of what she was trying to say). "glad"

My stomach says:" kill me."

Mum say eating chili will burn my intestine and might lead to lung/stomach cancer or something and has advices me not to eat too much of chilies.

I never care to take heed to mum's advice even she is a a nurse because i love chili and i read the medical journal few years back it says "

Chili peppers contain vitamins A and C and lots of calcium (which also boots metabolism)."

But my recent stomach upset episodes has further intrigued me to how serious it can be after eating Chili. Or is it my hygiene management? But how come people dont get stomach upset after eating my food? 

Last night i ate 2 packets of hot and spicy maggie mee, 3 생선까스 and of course cili padi.ㅋㅋ This morning i felt horrible. The weather is cold. and i had exam at 11. I dragged myself out the cold, persevering with my stomach, finished the exam sweating and feeling cold at the same time. The professor see me also kesian me and give me more time to finish my paper. *cross finger* i hope i dont score badly. ㅠㅠㅠ

I might seek professional consultant later if it happens again. I dont want to hear the possibility that i will die for eating chili but i just need to get this matter right. Is affecting me, mentally.

Will further my research on Chili. Await my next pro-post.

Random #1 C 언어!

Tony Fernandes, my living example

Tony Fernandes quoted :

"I started my airline with $250,000 and everyone said 'he's nuts and mad'. So I got used to these kind of notions. I think we will have a good run and in years to come we will slowly build ourselves up."

멋있죠?

I mean look at him now! He is the youngest millionaire in South East Asia and recently just won a asia pacific leadership award for leadership excellence. And he is Malaysian. haha. He is the living proof of "Malaysia Boleh"

Really really look up to him and hoping i could somewhere near future works under his leadership.

I look at him as my motive to success.

From a normal ACCA graduate to a CEO in such a short period. I can never achieve what he achieve in such a short period but i sure do can write my own success story

Fight while waiting.

Nobody says life is easy. So is math.(:

TINIEST effort could help saving the World

Recycled paper from used notes for doing my calculus sums and draft my C programming program.Came back after 한국 정치와 사회 exam today and was about to clean my table and i realized how much recycled paper i utilized for my mid term revision. And im even prouder to see that i separated my rubbish and used recycled paper aside to be recycle again. Knowing im doing something to reduce global warming makes me happy.

Even the tiniest effort makes me a heroin. The earth will love me so much.

The feel good song,

hope you guys enjoy.

Asta' le Vista.

트로트

어디 하나 기댈 데도 없는 이 세상
너뿐이다 트로트


아무리 얕잡아봐도 똑바로 봐도
술취하면 똑같다 뱃속에 파도
일렁일 때마다 느려 술잔을 타고
팔다리는 나불대 마이크를 잡고
딴따라따따따 트롯가락에 맞춰서
움직여 네 박자
땡벌같은 하루의 유일한 동반자
술깨며 떠난 사랑은 나비인가봐

누군 슬플 때 막춤을 춰
난 헌 걸레처럼 니 썩어빠진 아픔을 줘
자~ 차차차 노를 쥐어 짝짝짝
반짝이 옷을 입은 것처럼 랄랄라
음정은 내 생활처럼 불안해
소주잔에 비친 내 모습 처량하고 불쌍해
누가 내 맘을 알아줄까

크게 불러 술안에 젖어가는 인생이여
갈대처럼 휘고 잡초처럼
밟힌 내 인생살이
술 한 잔에 울고 노래가락속에
웃는 내 인생아 나의 트로트
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐.

삶에서 여자가 심장을 찢고
난 떠났다 더럽다 대구 대전찍고
끝내 서울시 밤이면 밤마다 술을 퍼붓지
네온밤도 어둡지
갈 곳이 없어 난 힘이 없어
홀로 남은 개리형처럼 길이 없어
여기 목조 한곡을 뽑아
밤이면 밤마다 마이크에 목을 쪼아

오늘의 무대는 집앞 포장마차
숟가락 젓가락 짠이 만든 박자
슬플 때 요즘 노래보다 낫다
구수한 가사 난 이 맛으로 산다
마치 어머니의 된장국처럼
잊혀질 만하면 생각 중
지나간 옛 애인처럼 떠올라
한바탕 불러대면 술이 떠올라

갈대처럼 휘고 잡초처럼
밟힌 내 인생살이
술 한잔에 울고 노래가락속에
웃는 내 인생아 나의 트로트
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만
슬플 땐 트로트!

갈대처럼 휘고 잡초처럼
밟힌 내 인생살이
태산처럼 쌓여 모래처럼
흩어진 나의 인생아
갈 데없이 뛰고 정처없이
떠도는 하루살이
술 한잔에 울고 노래가락속에
웃는 내 인생아 나의 트로트

힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만 슬플 땐 what?
힙합 댄스 락 발라드도 좋지만

슬플 땐 트로트!

Ask me if i miss my modelling life?

I used to hate to pretend in front of the camera and huge spotlights. And then there the cameraman ordering you how to pose. Im not even a damn bloody good poser. I really hated being in front of the camera. People think life being a model is glamorous. Not at all. You live by "their" rule. Coming to Korea is an escape to me and there i kept thinking about going back. About modelling. About cabin air-crew. About how much money it will get me. About living in a doll life. About being pretty. Every occupation has its difficulties and price to pay. Especially in modelling, people think bad about you. I was always embarrassed to tell people that i was a model. Where people puppet me. And here am i, missing bit and pieces. There are time where i was too idiotic to get my profile professionally made i pay quite a sum of money. There goes, the Innocent teen age. I escape from it and im missing it just because life here is difficult to bear.

I am always telling myself to fight. Fight againts the evil voice in me pestering me to give up. What if i really do? I'll be back home to my normal life thirsting about going overseas run away from my life. So where am i actually running to? Always running not knowing the destination? I am not a little girl anymore. Is time for me to decide. My decision, continue challenging my life here. Face God's test for me. Which ever path i ended up to, it wont be easy either. Might as well end my life then and there?

Im sorry mom and bro for always yelling, complaining about how unfair life is. Im sorry to have worried you. It wouldnt be easy for both of you either. Im going to sprint as fun as i can. Even one day if i REALLY fail, at least i knew i tried my very BEST. Thank you mom and bro, for your support and recognition. incognito .

I not smart.

Im not stupid either.

Im blessed human being. We will never be satisfied with our life. But is time.

Time to embrace.

Answer to my question. I dont. I enjoy my life behind the lenses now. I see more direction without being directed. I lead not following. I see things in wider perspective.

 

Aku pasrah.

나의 트로트.