Evening of the paddy field. Titi Serong3,Kangar,Perlis.
Morning View of the Paddy Field. Taken 840am.
Coconut tree that grown in the garden of the house.
the river where bro and i used to fish and play everything here.pluck flowers (there is this type of flower where it burst when it touches water;i dont know its name but we used to wake up early in the morning, pluck the flower and throw a bunch of it to the river and observed it till it burst one by one);and we get so excited.wtf.so noob. i love this river because though much changes has been introduced from the wood bridge to concrete bridge the view of the river remains the same. At certain percentages,(definitely) is polluted but it still remain beautiful in my heart as i still have the image of it since young.Fishing is what we does back home. Cos im a better fisher than bro (: WE used to catch toads too. How days..
What motivates me to post about my hometown was a messages i received from Cath weeks back when i complained about difficulties im facing here.She too, back then was contemplating with her own personal issues back then. The message goes like this:
"do what you love first, money follow. 我以前很怕自己会后悔，可是现在, 我已经不怕后悔。
因为，我最怕的是。。后悔得太迟！可以后悔， 是因为你有机会去尝试也有机会去重来。觉得不适合自己，真的没有必要勉强。
因为，你的人生是你一个人的。快乐是你的， 悲伤也是你一个人的。 如果你没有办法向自己交待，你也不可能可以向爱你的人交代的。
在你学会爱别人之前，你要用心学会爱你自己，一定一定要学会尊重自己。 ：）"
From her message although she mention " 快乐是你的,悲伤也是你一个人的", meaning that happiness and sorrow solely belong to yourself. But the message i got is "快乐和悲伤并不是属于你一个人的" meaning happiness and sorrow dont just belong to me,alone. Because i realized when im upset or unhappy or depressed it affects people who loves me as well. 最伤心的就一定是我母亲接下来就是我哥。The ones that will be most affected will definitely be my mum and then my brother.
“觉得不适合自己的，真的没有必要勉强”meaning if you dont feel it doesnt suit you,you dont have to force yourself. Which brings me to my first thought about coming to Korea. I was sitting aimlessly staring at the wire which divides the area between the paddy field and tok's house and was thinking : I always wanted to run across the restricted line and to see whats out there and imaging myself experience stuff i never thought i will. And then when i crossed the line, i laments about my discontentment. I felt ashamed.
And then came her abrupt decision to leave US and pursue her dream in the medical field as well as to reunite with her loves ones. What impressed me was that she rather enslave herself,ready to struggle and battle the worst to be with her love ones and be at her best priority. It must have been really difficult for her. LOADS of courage needed to make such important decision. 一转生就是一辈子。Though i was quite disappointed with her decision i gave her my 100% support to her decision. Because she was really brave with her decision to give up wasted years studying diploma in nursing and pharmacy and then to restart from A-level again to pursue medical? For me i definitely wouldnt want to start my life again with STPM. It was hell to going through it. And that most people who left Malaysia wouldnt want to go home again or will rather pursue their career somewhere else.
That questions my priority and i was having second thought about giving up everything here and be with my family again. I was ashamed because back then my priority was a chance to leave home. I was given 2 path to Sabah or Korea. I thought the further the better plus i have had much interest in Korean language back then (still am).
Dont get me wrong. I dont doubt that coming to Korea was a wrong decision. And no im not giving up my study here and go back home.I just felt the need to reconstruct my priority. To pursue my dream means to live something behind. My question is, is living dream more important than family? I dont have big happy family like most of my friends does; which was what i thirst most;which i knew was beyond reach. Sometimes i hated being multiracial because it felt like i have no identity. (The chinese says im malay ; the malay says im chinese; the indians says im chindian) I hated attending events involves big crowd because i dont belong anywhere. And then came along 我行我素syndrome. I admit i have TOO many circles of friends BUT again i dont belong to any of the circle. Thats why i always like to handle stuff on my own. Walk alone. Eat alone. Go to library alone. Run alone. Travel alone. Driving alone. Cry alone. Write alone. Sing alone.Read alone.... I hate being followed nor following. *that also claims why i always walk so fast*
After awhile doing that, i realized that although God is always with me but i think i got the message from the Mighty that He created this world so that everyone wont be alone. I cried alot writing this post. I never realized i was too weak to accept other ppl's friendship. I hated myself. Never did i thought that hating myself also means hating the Merciful creator and the hands that brought me up. Not realizing being multiracial is being multilingual and multicultural which also means being ME,my identity. Nobody get the chance to experience so much in life yet being remorseful about it.
So answer to my own question. Back to square 1. Living dream. To live a dream means to color your own life and others with the wonderful story of your family. To shower yourself with familial loves means to embrace yourself. Living this dream, i achieved that much. Once i lose it but i regained my consciousness. Who cares if cant speak BM or English or Mandarin appropriately? Because is what i am. Accepting my weakness will be my motivation to be better rather than wallowing in self pity over unfairness in life.
And no, living this dream doesnt mean leaving my family behind. Living this dream means having them in the TOP priority list. Ask me again today what is my dream? Is to reunite with my family.
All of us have different motive and path in life. Like Cath, she realized she couldnt achieve so much without her love ones. We are all the same; the path chosen ahead us defines our motivation. To realize our dream to betterment in our family's life. We do it differently. That what makes world colorful.
不适合自己的，我并不会勉强。我只要配合我的不勉强，给自己正当的选择。Crossing the restricted line doest mean im outside the comfort zone; is to building a wider comfort zone so your love ones could feel the comfort WITH you.
Amen.
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